Review of “Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II” (1989)

Happy New Year, one and all. Hope 2023 brings the reader all good things.

This is our New Year’s Eve Saturday night pizza and bad movie offering. We watched it with MST3K. The dearly beloved wisely chose to invest in frozen rather than ordering our usual take-out. It went down quite well. The prosecco was yummy.

And then there’s the flick.

The Plot:

Aging wizard Caedmon (Mel Welles) of Nogg is a bit off his game. He was never much of a hotshot, and time has not been kind. Imagine his surprise when he strolls out of his cave one morning, and the Grand Wizard Vanir (Wayne Grace) appears in his coffee (or is it his wash? It’s hard to tell) to tell him to seek the boy Tyor of Eedok, the Chosen One. They will defeat the three evil wizards who rule the three kingdoms.

How will he find the Chosen One? Vanir didn’t say, but we next see Caedmon walk up to a field behind a pile of hay, watching a mother and son working. The mother has been expecting him. Caedmon promises to transform the pile of hay into gold but transforms it into a pile of what cows generally transform hay into.

The son, Tyor (Bobby Jacoby), expresses no regrets, and together they go to, you know, defeat three evil and ruthless wizards and unite the kingdoms or some such. They first stop at a bar. Caedmon asks for “the Dark One”—a human, not a drink. The barkeep (David Carridine) says he’s not around. After he throws a dagger and kills a patron for arguing too loudly (or something—tough house rules), it becomes clear the barkeep is the Dark One. They could use his help on their quest. The Dark One declines. He’s got an establishment to run, ya know.

Tyor must pass a test at each kingdom and gain a magic talisman, now held by one of the evil wizards. His first task is to free Prince Erman (Blake Bahner), imprisoned with three maidens by the wizard Loki. Tyor’s attention is on the three maidens. Erman assures the maidens he loves them all.

Once freed, he’s off to battle the evil guy’s minions while Tyor—if he can drag his eyes from the maidens’ breasts—has to defeat Loki and seize the Amulet of Light.

Shouldn’t there be level-up music once Loki receives his comeuppance?

One kingdom down, two to go…

Thoughts:

Other than the name, the nails-on-the-chalkboard lousy dialogue, and the evil seductress, this movie has nothing in common with the earlier Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985). None of the characters or actors reappear.

Let me offer this as a sample of the dialogue from the scene where Tyor and Caedmon meet:

Tyor’s mom: I was sent a dream that you might be called by a fat wizard bearing the mark Vanir.

Tyor: I thought you said it was just a birthmark.

Tyor’s mom: The day I’ve always feared. In some ways, it’s a relief.

Caedmon: It’s your duty to accept the quest, Tyor, and reunite the powers of creation. Only then can the evil lords be conquered.

It doesn’t get any better.

In fights, the bad guys fall over when a sword is waved at them or pointed in their direction. You can’t get good evil minions anymore.

Granted, the intended audience for the film is kids. The humor is as subtle as a cudgel, but I admit I did chuckle a bit. The film’s saving grace is that it didn’t take itself seriously and didn’t offer that same insult to the viewer the earlier one did. Other than that…hmmm…

Distinctly missable movie, even for kids, IMseldomHO.

Title: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II (1989)

Directed by
Charles B. Griffith
Writing Credits (in alphabetical order)
Charles B. Griffith…(writer)
Lance Smith…(writer)

Cast (in credits order)
Mel Welles…Caedmon
Bobby Jacoby…Tyor
David Carradine…Dark One
Susan Lee Hoffman…Idun
Blake Bahner…Erman
Lana Clarkson…Amathea

Released: 1989
Length: 1 hour, 20 minutes
Rated: PG