Review of “War of the Gargantuas” (1966/1970)

trailer from YouTube
Enjoy

This is our latest Saturday night pizza and bad movie offering. I have to confess, after so many movies that I’ve found unpleasant recently, this is the kind of bad movie worth buying pizza for. Silly plot, people running and screaming through the Japanese countryside and then through Tokyo, unconvincing special effects—it was so much fun.

Plot:

One dark and stormy night, a giant octopus with glowing orange eyes attacks a fishing vessel. If that weren’t enough, a huge, humanoid greenish creature (Haruo Nakajima) attacks the octopus. Is he a savior? Alas, no. He sends the ship to the bottom. The crew tries to swim away. Only one (Ren Yamamoto) survives. All that remains of the others is their torn clothes.

The survivor’s tale is barely believed. What were they doing there? Are they smugglers? Nevertheless, the Coast Guard (or, depending to which English version one watches, the Maritime Safety Board) calls Dr. Paul Stewart (Russ Tamblyn), “a Frankenstein expert.”

Dr. Stewart and his assistant, Akemi Togawa (Kumi Mizuno), admit they once had a young “Gargantua” as a scientific experiment. It escaped to the mountains five years earlier. It was a gentle creature and could not be the one causing the havoc.

At the same time, the lab has receives reports from hikers in the Japanese Alps of a Gargantua. Stewart and Akemi head to the mountains while their colleague, Dr. Yuzo Majida (Kenji Sahara) goes to the sea to collect tissue samples from a second unfortunate boat.

The monster attacks Tokyo International Airport from the sea, seizing and (ICK) eating one woman. He spits her clothes out. When sun shines through parting clouds, he runs back to the sea.

The Japanese Self-Defense Forces (JSDF) step in with spotlights and “Maser cannons.” Tank fire does little more than to irritate an already foul-tempered monster. When he’s suffering, a brown Gargantua (Yû Sekita) appears and helps him escape.

Only when the brown Gargantua sees torn clothing lying around and does he realize his fellow monster eats humans. He uproots a tree and slams it into the other’s stomach. The war is on.

Thoughts:

According to Wikizilla, the film was inspired by an ancient Japanese story about two brothers, “The Sea-Boy and the Mountain-Boy.” The two Gargantuas are related, but this is hard to pick up in the film. Cells from the original benevolent brown Gargantua (a Frankenstein offshoot, relating to an earlier film, 1965’s Frankenstein vs. Baragon) sluffed off and grew in the sea.

In the original Japanese version, the two monsters had names. The violent green Gargantua from the sea was named Gaira, and the gentle brown Gargantua from the mountain was named Sanda. Sanda had known a loving environment. Gaira did not and thus turned violent.

While the film is slow at points, it is a lot of fun. The green Gargantua picks up tanks (obvious toys) and throws them into model houses. He gets burned by the Maser cannons—not to mention annoyed—but is hardly mortally wounded. He goes from fearing light to figuring out light indicates “snacks here.”

In one scene, Stewart and Akemi are hiking in the mountains to find Sanda. Faced with fleeing hikers, they realize they’ve met the green, human-munching monster. Akemi slips down the cliffside and hangs from a branch! Stewart says something like, “Hang on. I’ll come to get you,” as he makes his way down.

The brown monster catches her as she falls and places her safely back up on the cliff. Yes, it’s melodramatic, but it contrasts nicely with the green monster’s treatment of the poor woman at the airport.

As must happen, the monsters fight with the military trying to kill them. The military forces focus on the green one. (Empty) buildings crumble around them. The monsters end up in Tokyo Bay. (Slow) splash! Helicopters drop explosives around them. It’s spectacular.

I realize this is not everyone’s cup of tea. I enjoy these and laugh in delight, not derision. Special effects need not be sophisticated to be enjoyable. The special effects are secondary if the filmmaker is telling a good story. On the other hand, no amount of booms and boobs will make up for a lousy story.

Even with all the death and destruction in this movie—a monster eating people—ICK—the story’s moral is one of innocence: treat people with kindness, and they will treat you with kindness in return. The monsters are genetically the same. They behave differently because of how they experienced the world growing up, not because one is inherently evil and the other inherently good.

A corollary moral is: if people hurt others, you have a duty to intervene.

How…square.

This movie can be watched here.







Title: The War of the Gargantuas (1966/1970)
Original title: Furankenshutain no kaijû: Sanda tai Gaira

Directed by
Ishirô Honda

Writing Credits (in alphabetical order)
Reuben Bercovitch…(story)
Ishirô Honda…(writer)
Takeshi Kimura…(as Kaoru Mabuchi)

Cast (in credits order)
Russ Tamblyn…Dr. Paul Stewart (as Rasu Tanburin)
Kumi Mizuno…Akemi Togawa
Kenji Sahara…Dr. Yuzo Majida
Nobuo Nakamura…Dr. Kita
Jun Tazaki…General
Hisaya Itô…Police Chief

Released: Original Japanese release: 1966. English version: 1970
Length: 1 hour, 32 minutes
Rating: G—even with all the death, destruction and people-eating.

Review of “Duel” (1971)

trailer from YouTube

This is our latest Saturday pizza and bad movie offering, Duel, a TV movie adapted from a 1971 Richard Matheson short story of the same name. The extended theatrical release is what’s generally available now. Duel was Steven Spielberg’s feature directing debut.

We watched it with Svengoolie.

Plot:

David Mann (Dennis Weaver) drives his red Plymouth Valiant through the desert of California to meet a business client. He must arrive on time because the client is leaving the next day. Showing up late could cost him the account. On the way, he passes a slow-moving 1955 Peterbilt semi that’s seen better days. The truck overtakes him and drives slowly in front of him. When David passes him again, the truck blasts its horn, startling David.

Later, David pulls into a gas—a service—station (kids, ask your grandparents) where an attendant (Tim Herbert) fills his tank and checks under his hood. The attendant advises him he needs new radiator hoses. David dismisses the notion. Hmmm….

“You’re the boss,” the attendant says.

The Peterbilt pulls into the gas station. The driver gets out on the far side, so David sees only his jeans and boots as he walks around his truck and kicks a tire. Mann calls his wife (Jacqueline Scott) from a public phone (kids, ask your grandparents) to discuss an argument they had the night before. They don’t come to a conclusion, but she tells him, “Just be on time.”

David leaves, figuring whatever was going on with the truck driver is over. When he sees the truck in his rear-view mirror, he waves it on. The truck passes him, then slows down. David sees a “passing lane ahead” sign and decides to bide his time. However, when the passing lane appears, the truck swerves across both lanes, making it impossible for David to pass.

Could it be this guy is something more than an jerk? Could it be that he’s trying to (gulp) kill David?

Thoughts:

This film won and received several nomination for excellence. I can see why. It is a study in escalating tension. When David stops to ask for help, he’s laughed at. No one believes him, and the viewer begins to wonder: is the truck real?

Duel won a Primetime Emmy in 1972 for Sound Editing and received a nomination for (I’m not making this up) Outstanding Achievement in Cinematography for Programming – For a Special or Feature Length Program Made for Television Entertainment. The Avoriaz Fantastic Film Festival awarded the 1973 Grand Prize to Steven Spielberg for this movie. He also won the Taormina International Film Festival 1973 Best First Film award. In 1972, Duel received a nomination for Best Movie made for TV.

The viewer and David see little of the antagonist. We see only a few hints: boots kicking tires, a hand waving David on  before an oncoming car nearly hits him, hands and arms shifting gears. We know no more of him than we do of Grendel. We don’t know—but can only guess—that the driver was irritated by David’s passing him initially. But why the psycho reaction? Certainly, he doesn’t hunt down and kill everyone who passes him… or maybe he does?

Dennis Weaver is believable as the hunted man, with tensions at home with his wife and pressure to make this business meeting. Before things get hairy, he listens to talk radio. At the time, it could be silly, if not vapid, entertainment but not the white supremacist recruitment tool it often is currently.

The pursuit scenes are fast-paced and engrossing. How will David get away? Will he? Yet these are interspersed with enough relief the tension is not overwhelming. David becomes increasingly desperate. Just when he thinks he’s safe, he’s deeper in trouble.

Yet the movie is hardly flawless. In one shot, when David is in a phone booth, the viewer can briefly see the reflection of a camera.

Now, with all its technical expertise, and the awards and nomination it received from professional organizations, the only question remains, did I enjoy it? I have to give it a qualified sorta. I read the short story and found it, with its slightly different ending, to be more enjoyable than the movie. Many people disagree with me, of course, and thoroughly enjoyed the film adaptation. I don’t have major gripes. It just felt long. The short story got to the point quicker.

I could not find this available for free download, but it is available for sale for rent.


Title: Duel (1971 TV movie)

Directed by
Steven Spielberg

Writing Credits
Richard Matheson…(screenplay)
Richard Matheson…(story)

Cast (in credits order)
Dennis Weaver…David Mann
Jacqueline Scott…Mrs. Mann
Eddie Firestone…Cafe Owner
Lou Frizzell…Bus Driver
Gene Dynarski…Man in Café
Lucille Benson…Lady at Snakerama

Released: 1971
Length: 1 hour, 30 minutes
Rated: PG

Review of “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” (1988)

trailter from YouTube

This is our latest Saturday night pizza and bad movie offering. God lord. I think I need another glass of wine.

Plot:

While our heroes, Mike Tobacco (Grant Cramer) and Debbie Stone (Suzanne Snyder), are parked along with half the local high school at the “Top of the World,” they see a fireball streak across the sky. It seems to have landed not far from them. Debbie wants to find it. Mike has other things on his mind.

In the meantime, local farmer Gene Green (Royal Dano) is reading a magazine on his porch with his dog, Pooh Bear. Farmer Green also sees the fireball and believes it’s Halley’s Comet.* Believing he’s finding the meteorite will make him rich, he takes a shovel and bucket, and (fatefully) Pooh Bear and heads to the woods, where he finds what appears to be a circus big top, lit up from inside. Now, who would put up a circus in the middle of the woods?

The farmer is the first casualty. Poor Pooh Bear receives a net thrown over him. The perpetrators are klowns dressed up like clowns with red rubber noses, masks, and big shoes. But why do they kill?

Mike and Debbie also find the big top and enter it. They stumble across a labyrinth decorated in bold Romper Room colors and explore. Ultimately, they discover a room where rabbit-foot shaped sacks of what appears to be bright pink cotton candy hang in a storage room. They debate whether this is how cotton candy is stored. (Uh—no.) To prove his point, Mike rips off a piece to reveal a human face. Debbie screams.

When they are discovered, a klown shoots them with a bazooka-looking weapon full of popcorn. But it’s not just any popcorn.

Mike and Debbie go to the cops. Debbie says she has a friend on the force. She doesn’t mention Officer Dave Hansen (John Allen Nelson) is an old boyfriend. No one believes them, but Dave agrees to drive out with Mike they saw the tent. He drives Debbie home. What follows is one of the longest obligatory shower scenes in any movie.

When Dave and Mike arrive, they find only a giant hole in the ground—no circus tents in sight.

Where would a klown go to hide? An amusement park, of course. The security guard challenges the klowns when they climb out of the klown car. They have come armed.

The hapless security guard continues, “What’re ya gonna do with those pies, boys?”

Thoughts:

This is absurdist, gruesome, and satirical. Many elements of the opening are time-honored elements of horror flicks, e.g., The Thing. Men in Black uses many of the same elements to parody.

Everything about clowns and the circus becomes sinister and deadly—yet remains goofy. In one scene, the klowns drive a wildly-colored vacuum truck, picking up their victims. In another context, this would be comical or weird. In the present context, it is ghastly.

One little girl, ignored by her family while they are eating in a restaurant, is enticed by a friendly klown to come outside. The scene induces dread. Will she be lured to her horrible death under the noses of the adults around her? The movie’s play is for the absurdist. The viewer chuckles.

In another scene, a klown amuses soon-to-be victims with hand shadow puppets on a brick wall. His hands are awkward, yet he pulls off convincing shadows, much to the oohs and aahs of his audience. He even manages a reproduction of George Washington crossing the Delaware.

The klowns appear to be immortal. They get up after being struck by a car. Gunfire slows them but doesn’t kill them. They do have a kryptonite vulnerability, and it isn’t yodeling.

However, this movie isn’t for me. I can appreciate the premise, and I loved the absurdity, but I found the acting wooden and the dialogue…ick. Plenty of people disagree with me, however. Most professional reviewers looked at it favorably, and it’s become something of a cult classic.

In fact, the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films nominated it for two Saturn Awards in 1990, one for Best Music (John Massari) and one for Best Costume (Darcee F. Olson).

I generally love dark, absurdist stuff, even if the effects are off and the acting is less than Academy-worthy. If I had to put my finger on one deal-breaker in the film, it was its predictability.

According to Wikipedia, toys from the movie have been available. Universal Orlando has used themes from the film for its Halloween Horror Nights event. A game is available, about which I’m afraid to say I know nothing.

I have been unable to find a copy of the movie for free or even for rent. YouTube will sell you a copy for a mere $14.99. If you are interested in watching it, I recommend checking if your library has or can get you a copy. Yes, I’m cheap.

*Halley’s Comet last swung by in 1986. It, um, doesn’t appear as a fireball. Just sayin’.

Title: Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

Directed by
Stephen Chiodo…(directed by)

Writing Credits
Charles Chiodo…(written by) and
Stephen Chiodo…(written by)
Edward Chiodo…(uncredited)

Cast (in credits order)
Grant Cramer…Mike Tobacco
Suzanne Snyder…Debbie Stone
John Allen Nelson…Dave Hansen
John Vernon…Curtis Mooney
Michael S. Siegel…Rich Terenzi (as Michael Siegel)
Peter Licassi…Paul Terenzi
Royal Dano…Farmer Gene Green
Christopher Titus…Bob McReed (as Chris Titus)


Released: 1988
Length: 1hour, 28 minutes
Rated: PG-13

Review of “Kingsman: The Secret Service” (2014)

Trailer from YouTube

This was last week’s Saturday pizza and bad movie offering, a flick based on a comic book series. It is an odd mixture of dark comedy and silliness. At its base, however, it is a surreal bloodfest that rivals many war/zombie apocalypse movies but ultimately appeals to idealism, patriotism, and egalitarianism.

Plot:

In 1997 somewhere in the Middle East, four masked men have captured a terrorist (Adrian Quinton) and are trying to extract information from him through torture. When the terrorist picks his head up, they realize he’s holding a grenade pin in his mouth. One man, Lee Unwin (Jonno Davies), throws himself on the terrorist to contain the explosion, saving his fellows.

“How did I miss it?” mutters Harry Hart (code name Galahad) (Colin Firth).

In a tailor shop in London called the Kingsman, Galahad and his associates drink to the memory of the deceased partner and welcome Lancelot (Jack Davenport) into the association of the Kingsman, the Secret Service.

Later, Harry offers the dead man’s widow (Samantha Womack) a pendant with a phone number she may call in a time of need. She must speak the code, “Oxfords, not brogues.” She declines. She wants her husband back. He then offers it to her young son, “Eggsy” (Alex Nikolov).

Seventeen years later, bad guys hold Professor Arnold (Mark Hamill) captive in a remote cabin in Argentina. Professor Arnold is known for his activism in climate change. A knock comes at the door. Lancelot appears. He helps himself to a drink (too suave) and then beats the bad guys to a motionless pulp.

As he’s about to release Professor Arnold, another knock comes at the door. A lovely young lady with blades for legs, Gazelle (Sofia Boutella), cuts him in two, top to bottom. She covers all the bodies in the cabin with sheets and opens the door for her boss, Richmond Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson), who gets squeamish at the sight of blood.

Gazelle and Valentine take Professor Arnold with them.

Meanwhile, Eggsy (Taron Egerton) doesn’t stay little forever. Now in his early 20s, he misbehaves in spectacular ways. He calls the number on the pendant he still wears. Long story short, Galahad bails him out of jail and submits him for replacement in Lancelot’s slot in the Kingsman. This involves a rigorous training and winnowing process against a backdrop of the group’s efforts to thwart a mad genius who has decided that the problem of climate change is best solved by eliminating vast numbers of people.

Thoughts:

The Kingsmen is an international group of secret service agents created in the wake of WWI by men who had money but no heirs as they’d lost sons in the Great War. The tailor shop serves as a front but also as a place for members to buy natty clothes. They assume code names drawn from King Arthur and Knights of the Round Table.

And they are very, very cool.

In broad strokes, I saw a bit of the old James Bond movies in this. They’re referred to obliquely and in style. Another influence is the X-Men. One might stretch things and add Harry Potter with the life-threatening training and animal mascots the recruits are given.

Like Professor Arnold, Valentine has been active in the cause of fighting climate change for some time. He’s become radicalized and now sees global warming as a fever and mankind as a virus. “A cull is our only hope,” he proclaims.

A modest proposal.

And to kick off this cull? A dance party. What else?

At one point, Valentine’s guests don’t seem to be enjoying themselves.

“The fuck’s wrong with them?” Valentines asks.

“I don’t know,” Gazelle mutters. “Could be something to do with the mass genocide.”

While the violence in the movie is off the scale, it tends to be cartoonish. Before giving the goons in Eggsy’s favorite pub a well-deserved beat-down, Harry/Galahad locks the doors, declaring, “Manners maketh man.”

He begins by hurling a pitcher of beer with an umbrella handle and striking the forehead of one. That goon is down for the count.

Hey, it could happen.

Valentine controls people through free sim cards and extra special implants. At his signal, the cards trigger aggression and eliminate inhibitions. One limited exhibition takes place in a church Harry has gone to investigate because of its ties to Valentine.

The sermon is so venomous that Harry gets up and walks out. A woman confronts him. Harry’s response is one of the best lines in the flick because of its deadpan delivery:

“I’m a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend, who works at a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.”

And then, the good stuff hits the fan. Only Harry emerges alive.

According to Wikipedia, this scene has been cut from the movie’s showing in several countries. It is bizarrely violent, and, well, Han shot first. Gazelle and Valentine watch remotely, but of course, Valentine turns away. He can’t stand the sight of blood, and gods know, there is plenty of that.

The bloodshed has a cartoonish exaggeration that I guess is meant to be absurdist, if not outright amusing. It was hard to feel sympathy for the people in the church, who were hateful to the core, yet given the violence in places of worship recently, I couldn’t quite shake a sense of horror watching it.

Paradoxically, when Harry is giving life lessons to Eggsy, he describes a “gentleman” as one who behaves like a gentleman. It has nothing to do with birth or clothes (or presumably money). It is a choice of how to conduct oneself. It is an exhortation to behave, to view life as precious, worth saving and worth fighting to protect. Manners and respect for one’s fellow humans are important. How…square.

Despite misgivings, I enjoyed this movie.

Title: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)

Directed by
Matthew Vaughn

Writing Credits
Jane Goldman…(screenplay by) &
Matthew Vaughn…(screenplay by)
Mark Millar…(based on the comic book “The Secret Service” by) and
Dave Gibbons…(based on the comic book “The Secret Service” by)

Cast (in credits order)
Adrian Quinton…Terrorist (as Adrian Quentin)
Colin Firth…Harry Hart / Galahad
Mark Strong…Merlin
Jonno Davies…Lee Unwin
Jack Davenport…Lancelot
Alex Nikolov…Little Eggsy
Samantha Womack…Michelle Unwin
Mark Hamill…Professor Arnold
Velibor Topic…Big Goon
Sofia Boutella…Gazelle
Samuel L. Jackson…Valentine
Michael Caine…Arthur
Taron Egerton…Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin

Released: 2014
Length: 2 hours, 9 minutes

Review of “Kiss of the Vampire” (1963)

trailer from YouTube

This is our latest Saturday night pizza and bad movie offering, a vampire flick with a lovely old castle and a creepy old owner with creepy kids who take flight when the sun gets too bright. Of course, the creepy old dude throws a masquerade party.

We watched it with Svengoolie.

Plot:

This opens with a funeral. Pallbearers carry the casket while the priest reads the Latin rite. A man in tophat (Clifford Evans) appears in the distance. He approaches the mourners. The priest sprinkles holy water over the open grave with the ritual aspergillum. The man in the tophat holds out his hand, asking for the instrument. He sprinkles more water, then asks a nearby gravedigger for a shovel. Instead of throwing the first dirt on the casket, he thrusts the shovel through the top of it. Screams sound from inside, and oddly colored blood ooze around the shovel. The man walks away. Everyone else runs.

Elsewhere, honeymooners Gerald (Edward de Souza) and Marianne Harcourt (Jennifer Daniel) run out of “petrol” while motoring. It’s the little lady’s fault. She just doesn’t know how to read a map.

While she waits with the car, Gerald arranges a tow. Marianne is not as alone as she might think. A local aristocrat, Dr. Ravna (Noel Willman), watches her through his telescope from what appears to be a dull, rundown castle. When the wind picks up and she hears animals howl, she gets spooked and runs. She runs into the man in the tophat, who tells her (…helpfully…) to return to her car.

Gerald arrives with a farmer and his draft horse. The farmer brings them to an inn—the Grand Hotel—which doesn’t appear to have much business. The innkeeper Bruno (Peter Madden) and his wife Anna (Vera Cook) tear sheets off furniture when they arrive. The only other guest at the inn is the man in the tophat, Professor Zimmer.

With the excuse that the cooking is poor at the inn, Dr. Ravna invites them to dinner at his castle. The Harcourts accept (sure, why not?). Dinner is delicious. Dr. Ravna is charming, as are his children, Sabena (Jacquie Wallis) and Carl (Barry Warren). Dr. Ravna even offers to have petrol shipped in for them.

A few days later, Sabena and Carl invite the Harcourts to a masquerade ball, even offering to furnish them with appropriate dress. Sure, why not? At the party, Marianne is lured to a locked room, and Sabena slips Gerald a potent Mickey Finn.

When Gerald wakes in the morning, Carl tells him he’s not welcome. He got drunk and took advantage of their hospitality. Gerald asks after his wife. Carl tells him he came there alone.

Thoughts:

The sets, design, and clothing in the movie are quite striking. The interior of the castle is elaborate. By contrast, the inn has “Grand Hotel” stenciled on the outer wall, but its gate hangs open. Bruno and Anna are happy for paying customers and, upon learning Gerald and Marianne and newlyweds, try to make them as comfortable as possible.

However, they’re hiding something. Is the inn haunted? They are beholden to Dr.  Ravna in some way. Marianne notices Anna examining the contents of a drawer—keepsakes—and weeping. She understands they had a daughter. What happened to her?

Then there’s the only other guest in the inn, Professor Zimmer, who, like Cassandra, accurately predicts disaster, only to have his warning be ignored. Unlike Cassandra, his warnings are clear as mud, possibly because he drinks like a fish. He seems powerless to act against the evil Dr. Ravna until Gerald comes to him seeking help in recovering his beloved Marianne.

The solution to the vampire problem is not the typical cross and/or holy water, albeit it’s nice and gory.

According to Wikipedia, a television version of this was released in the U.S., editing out all scenes with blood. To make up for time, the writers added a whole new subplot.

Overall, I enjoyed this lurid little flick, but frankly, Rocky Horror Picture Show did the couple getting lost and stumbling on a castle much better. And the latter has music.

This movie can be watched here.

Title: Kiss of the Vampire (1963)

Directed by
Don Sharp…(directed by)

Writing Credits
Anthony Hinds…(screenplay by) (as John Elder)

Cast (in credits order)
Clifford Evans…Professor Zimmer
Edward de Souza…Gerald Harcourt
Noel Willman…Dr. Ravna
Jennifer Daniel…Marianne Harcourt
Barry Warren…Carl Ravna
Brian Oulton…1st disciple
Noel Howlett…Father Xavier
Jacquie Wallis…Sabena Ravna
Peter Madden…Bruno

Released: 1963
Length: 1 hour, 28 minutes
Unrated

Review of “Clue” (1985)

trailer for “Clue”

This is our latest Saturday pizza and bad movie offering for a rainy evening. We didn’t have the thunder and lightning the flick showed—or any of the murders—but we had every bit of the downpour.

Plot:

In 1954, six strangers arrive at an old mansion in the middle of nowhere, having received a dinner invitation with a further promise of relieving a financial burden. All these people are quite wealthy. What sort of money worries could they have? As they appear, Wadsworth, the butler (Tim Curry), addresses them with pseudonyms—the familiar names from the game. Nevertheless, a couple of people recognize each other.

Dinner begins without the appearance of the homeowner/Wadsworth’s employer, Mr. Boddy (Lee Ving). (Not a red flag or anything.) When he does show up, he’s obviously surprised to see everyone and declines food, as he’s already eaten. Wadsworth reveals that the six have one thing in common; they are all victims of blackmail. Mr. Boddy is the one blackmailing them.

Mr. Boddy reminds the assembled that all their dirty little secrets will come to light if he is arrested. He passes around boxes containing weapons—the familiar ones from the board game (lead pipe, rope, candlestick, etc.). He suggests someone kill Wadsworth. Oh, he’ll keep blackmailing them, but their secrets will remain safe.

He turns the lights off. In the darkness, there are thumps and bangs. A gunshot rings out, and a woman screams. When the lights come back on, the six find Wadsworth fine, but Mr. Boddy lies on the ground, unresponsive. No one can determine how he died. The bullet grazed the side of his head, broke a vase, and lodged in the wall.

Wadsworth then ‘fesses up that he sent the invitations. Mr. Boddy blackmailed his wife, who took her own life over the matter. He wanted to free others from the schemes. Mrs. Peacock sips champagne until warned it might be poisoned. She screams, long and loud, covering any sounds that might be coming from the kitchen, where someone sticks a knife into the back of the cook (Kellye Nakahara).

And the night is young.

Thoughts:

When this was released to theaters in 1985, it had three different endings. A fourth was shot but never used, as the production thought not very good. The DVD includes all three endings, interspersed with intertitles: “How it Might Have Happened,” “How About This?” and “Here’s What Really Happened.”

In all honesty, at this point, it almost doesn’t matter whodunit. All solutions are equally improbable. The movie is peopled with outlandish characters whose actions are exaggerated and silly. It’s fun to watch them.

When the doorbell rings, the entire cast of living characters runs to the door to find an innocent (…maybe…) motorist explaining his car broke down and asking to use the phone. Wadsworth turns from him and confers—in front of the guy—with everyone. He then turns back with a smile on his face. Of course, he can use the phone. Sure. Step into the stud—er, the library. He doesn’t add—though he could have— that the study was, um, occupied.

The dialogue is fast, full of misunderstandings and witticisms. This is cute and amusing, but it doesn’t have any bearing on the plot per se. For example:

Colonel Mustard: Just checking.
Mrs. Peacock: Everything all right?
Colonel Mustard: Yep. Two corpses. Everything’s fine.

Tim Curry as Wadsworth is a joy: sinister, vulnerable, officious, and befuddled all rolled into one character. Madeline Kahn as the widowed Mrs. White is also great—the moment she and the maid Yvette (Colleen Camp) set eyes on each other, you know the two have history, and the phrase “shtupped my husband” is going to appear. Frankly, there isn’t a slouch in the bunch. Even hackneyed slapstick gags (a built-in ironing board lands on a character’s head while they’re searching the house) become chuckle-worthy.

The three endings make the movie a little long—not to mention confusing. This did not pose an obstacle for me, but a few things struck me as rather cold. In the midst of the six characters scurrying around trying to find who might be causing all the death and destruction, the doorbell rings (it does that a lot in the movie). On the doorstep—in the rain—is a young lady (Jane Wiedlin) with a singing telegram. She barely gets out a few lines before someone shoots her dead.

Overall, I enjoyed this movie. It was darkly humorous, didn’t take itself seriously, and didn’t over-tax the intellect.

I could not find this available for free download.

Title: Clue (1985)

Directed by
Jonathan Lyn

Writing Credits
John Landis…(story) and
Jonathan Lynn…(story)
Jonathan Lynn…(screenplay)
Anthony E. Pratt…(board game Cluedo)(uncredited)

Cast (in credits order)
Eileen Brennan…Mrs. Peacock
Tim Curry…Wadsworth
Madeline Kahn…Mrs. White
Christopher Lloyd…Professor Plum
Michael McKean…Mr. Green
Martin Mull…Colonel Mustard
Lesley Ann Warren…Miss Scarlet
Colleen Camp…Yvette
Lee Ving…Mr. Boddy
Bill Henderson…The Cop
Jane Wiedlin…The Singing Telegram Girl
Jeffrey Kramer…The Motorist
Kellye Nakahara…The Cook

Released: 1985
Length: 1 hour, 34 minutes
Rated: PG

Review of “The Raven” (1963)

This is the latest offering of our Saturday night pizza and bad movies, an odd little flick that didn’t take itself seriously. We watched it with Svengoolie.

Plot:

It’s 1506. Magician Dr. Erasmus Craven (Vincent Price) has been mourning his wife, Lenore (Hazel Court), for two years. He keeps a photograph of her (A photograph in 1506? Oooh-kaay.)

One night as he’s pondering weak and weary, there comes a tapping, as if someone rapping, rapping at his chamber door. He opens the door to find no one there. It occurs to him to go to the window. A raven flops in. It turns out to be another magician, Dr. Adolphus Bedlo (Peter Lorre), enchanted by the evil magician Dr. Scarabus (Boris Karloff). He asks Craven to change him back to his true form and help him retrieve his magical equipment from Scarabus.

Craven wants to help but says he doesn’t know how. The raven/Bedlo lets slip that he’s seen Lenore at Dr. Scarabus’ place. Well, that changes things. Lenore’s soul must be under some terrible spell.

Using a recipe that Bedlo provides, Craven eventually returns him to human form, and after an ax attack by a bewitched servant (William Baskin), they head off to Scarabus’ castle.

It’s all part of the plan.

Thoughts:

This is the fifth of eight Poe-inspired films Roger Corman made with Vincent Price. It opens with Vincent Price narrating the first stanza of The Raven. Just the same, the movie quickly turns Poe’s narrative 1845 poem of grief and loss on its head. The viewer sees little touches like Craven repeatedly bumping into both ends of his telescope, and oddly enough, never using it for stargazing. When Craven is mourning in the room where he keeps his dead wife’s coffin (ICK), speaking to her longingly, his daughter Estelle (Olive Sturgess) comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder to offer him a glass of warm milk. He jumps out of his skin.

The evil Scarbus hold Craven’s daughter Estelle hostage and threatens to torture her unless her father reveals the secret of his magic. This leads to a duel to the death and a lot of smirking, but no bloodshed. The movie is intended to appeal to kiddies—no harm in that.

The costumes are outlandish. Scarbus is dressed more like a churchman than a magician. Both the main women manage to show a bit of cleavage. Everyone wears ridiculous hats. The background music intended to enhance the comedic situations was—to my ear—laid on too thickly.

The tenor of the movie is perhaps best summed up in a single scene. Craven’s first attempt to change Bedlo back into his human form was only partially successful. They try to make more of the potion but find they have run out of dead man’s hair. Under the circumstances, Craven feels his deceased father won’t mind being disturbed. They go downstairs into the family crypt, full of the expected dust and cobwebs, a place meant to give the viewer the creeps. Bedlo turns to Craven and says, “Must be hard to keep this place clean.” (On a side note, according to Wikipedia, this was ad-libbed by Lorre.)

I can’t say that the whole film was rip-roaringly funny, but there were enough moments like this that I enjoyed it.


Title: The Raven (1963)

Directed by
Roger Corman

Writing Credits
Edgar Allan Poe…(poem)
Richard Matheson…(screenplay)

Cast (in credits order)
Vincent Price…Dr. Erasmus Craven
Peter Lorre…Dr. Adolphus Bedlo
Boris Karloff…Dr. Scarabus
Hazel Court…Lenore Craven
Olive Sturgess…Estelle Craven
Jack Nicholson…Rexford Bedlo

Released: January 25, 1963
Length: 1 hour, 26 minutes
Rated: G

Show and Tell to Remember

This is a post by a Victoria Lynn Smith, whom I follow. I found it excellent and thought I would like to reblog it. With the author’s permission, here it is.

youngv2015's avatarWriting Near the Lake

[“Show and Tell to Remember” was originally published by the Bacopa Literary Review 2022. It earned an honorable mention for humor.]

Inside my dress pocket, I had the best thing for show and tell. In 1964, I was new at Pleasant View Elementary, and having started in October instead of September, I was an outsider. My kindergarten classmates were going to be impressed. The popular girls would envy me and ask me to jump rope with them during recess. The cute boys would elbow each other and try to sit by me at snack time. My pretty teacher, with bouncing brown hair that flipped up in a long continuous curl around her neck, would look at me with approval.

“Vickie,” the teacher said, “it’s your turn.”

I snapped out of my daydream, rose from the floor, and stood next to the teacher who sat in a chair…

View original post 907 more words

Review of “Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II” (1989)

trailer from YouTube. I’m not sure all the footage is from this flick…

Happy New Year, one and all. Hope 2023 brings the reader all good things.

This is our New Year’s Eve Saturday night pizza and bad movie offering. We watched it with MST3K. The dearly beloved wisely chose to invest in frozen rather than ordering our usual take-out. It went down quite well. The prosecco was yummy.

And then there’s the flick.

The Plot:

Aging wizard Caedmon (Mel Welles) of Nogg is a bit off his game. He was never much of a hotshot, and time has not been kind. Imagine his surprise when he strolls out of his cave one morning, and the Grand Wizard Vanir (Wayne Grace) appears in his coffee (or is it his wash? It’s hard to tell) to tell him to seek the boy Tyor of Eedok, the Chosen One. They will defeat the three evil wizards who rule the three kingdoms.

How will he find the Chosen One? Vanir didn’t say, but we next see Caedmon walk up to a field behind a pile of hay, watching a mother and son working. The mother has been expecting him. Caedmon promises to transform the pile of hay into gold but transforms it into a pile of what cows generally transform hay into.

The son, Tyor (Bobby Jacoby), expresses no regrets, and together they go to, you know, defeat three evil and ruthless wizards and unite the kingdoms or some such. They first stop at a bar. Caedmon asks for “the Dark One”—a human, not a drink. The barkeep (David Carridine) says he’s not around. After he throws a dagger and kills a patron for arguing too loudly (or something—tough house rules), it becomes clear the barkeep is the Dark One. They could use his help on their quest. The Dark One declines. He’s got an establishment to run, ya know.

Tyor must pass a test at each kingdom and gain a magic talisman, now held by one of the evil wizards. His first task is to free Prince Erman (Blake Bahner), imprisoned with three maidens by the wizard Loki. Tyor’s attention is on the three maidens. Erman assures the maidens he loves them all.

Once freed, he’s off to battle the evil guy’s minions while Tyor—if he can drag his eyes from the maidens’ breasts—has to defeat Loki and seize the Amulet of Light.

Shouldn’t there be level-up music once Loki receives his comeuppance?

One kingdom down, two to go…

Thoughts:

Other than the name, the nails-on-the-chalkboard lousy dialogue, and the evil seductress, this movie has nothing in common with the earlier Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985). None of the characters or actors reappear.

Let me offer this as a sample of the dialogue from the scene where Tyor and Caedmon meet:

Tyor’s mom: I was sent a dream that you might be called by a fat wizard bearing the mark Vanir.

Tyor: I thought you said it was just a birthmark.

Tyor’s mom: The day I’ve always feared. In some ways, it’s a relief.

Caedmon: It’s your duty to accept the quest, Tyor, and reunite the powers of creation. Only then can the evil lords be conquered.

It doesn’t get any better.

In fights, the bad guys fall over when a sword is waved at them or pointed in their direction. You can’t get good evil minions anymore.

Granted, the intended audience for the film is kids. The humor is as subtle as a cudgel, but I admit I did chuckle a bit. The film’s saving grace is that it didn’t take itself seriously and didn’t offer that same insult to the viewer the earlier one did. Other than that…hmmm…

Distinctly missable movie, even for kids, IMseldomHO.

Title: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II (1989)

Directed by
Charles B. Griffith
Writing Credits (in alphabetical order)
Charles B. Griffith…(writer)
Lance Smith…(writer)

Cast (in credits order)
Mel Welles…Caedmon
Bobby Jacoby…Tyor
David Carradine…Dark One
Susan Lee Hoffman…Idun
Blake Bahner…Erman
Lana Clarkson…Amathea

Released: 1989
Length: 1 hour, 20 minutes
Rated: PG

Review of “Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Invisible Man” (1951)

trailer from YouTube

We had pizza and watched a bad movie with Svengoolie while waiting for Santa. Fortunately, we had enough leftovers we didn’t have to venture out.

Plot:

It’s graduation day 1951 at Dugan Detective School. Among those receiving diplomas are Bud Alexander (Bud Abbott) and Lou Francis (Lou Costello).

Lou says, “This is the happiest day of my life. How did I ever graduate?”

Bud tells him, “I slipped the guy twenty bucks. Now keep quiet.”

This pretty much sets the tenor for the movie.

Their first case involves Tommy Nelson, a boxer accused of beating his manager to death. He hires Lou and Bud to help prove him innocent. The boys agree, but Lou is also tempted by the reward money the police offer for turning Nelson in.

Tommy decides the perfect way to find the real killer is for Bud to go undercover as a professional boxer. Nelson will do the actual boxing. What could go wrong?

Thoughts:

This film is one of seven “Abbott and Costello Meet” movies made between 1948 and 1955. Many—but not all—of them involved Universal Studios monsters.

The movie calls back to the original 1933 The Invisible Man first with a picture of Claude Rains as the inventor of the invisibility serum. Rains played the original invisible man, Jack Griffin. The demonstration of the serum on guinea pigs in little harnesses in the present film also took place in the original.

That’s about where the similarity stops. The original was a dark film where the main character’s invention drove him insane. He never reverted to his true, visible form until his death—almost like a werewolf.

This movie is silly; most scenes are setups for awkward and ridiculous situations. Boots Marsden (Adele Jergens), the girlfriend of the gangster Morgan (Sheldon Leonard), comes on to Bud to try to convince him to throw an upcoming fight. He’s torn because he likes her, but he doesn’t want to throw this fight… that he’s not going to win anyway. And she offers him a lot of money.

In a scene where Bud and Lou are at a restaurant with Tommy, the waiter has to deal with hearing Tommy’s order, but not seeing Tommy and wondering why Lou wants steak and spaghetti. The viewer gets a visual of Lou and Tommy sharing spaghetti, Lady and the Tramp style.

The good guys win, the bad guys—who are not very bright—get what’s coming to them.

While I can’t say this is a deep intellectual flick, it was a nice goofy hour’s entertainment. I enjoyed it.

The movie can be watched here. Kiitos, Tommi!

Title: Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Invisible Man (1951)

Directed by
Charles Lamont

Writing Credits
Hugh Wedlock Jr….(story) and
Howard Snyder…(story)
Robert Lees…(screenplay) and
Frederic I. Rinaldo…() and
John Grant…(screenplay)
H.G. Wells…(novel The Invisible Man)

Cast (in credits order screenplay)
Bud Abbott…Bud Alexander
Lou Costello…Lou Francis
Nancy Guild…Helen Gray
Arthur Franz…Tommy Nelson
Adele Jergens…Boots Marsden
Sheldon Leonard…Morgan
William Frawley…Detective Roberts

Released: 1951
Length: 1 hour, 22 minutes